Ellen Chat Conversation

When a child speaks negatively about someone behind their back, it is essential to address the behavior with a balance of firmness and patience. Parents are encouraged to help the child understand the gravity of their words, ensuring that actual wrong and sin are made to appear as serious as they truly are (1TT 151.3). While it may be tempting to react with harshness or scolding, such responses often stir up the worst feelings in a child's heart rather than leading to genuine reform (VSS 142.1). Instead, a decided and firm course should be pursued to prevent the recurrence of such behavior, while still leaving the child with the courage to improve and regain parental confidence. The manner in which a parent listens and responds to a child's private comments is also a matter of character development. It is important to listen patiently to a child's troubles and perplexities, ensuring they have an opportunity to explain their feelings before any correction is administered (20MR 276.1).

However, parents must be careful not to pass lightly over these sins or ignore the habits being formed, as the wrong course of one youth can negatively influence many others (CG 273.3). The goal is to impress upon the child a sense of their wrong without leaving them in a hopeless state of mind (T10 11.2). Furthermore, parents should model the correct behavior by avoiding the habit of speaking evil of others themselves. The principle of addressing faults directly with the individual involved, rather than making them a subject of conversation with others, is a vital lesson for children to observe (PH151 84.1).

By teaching children to avoid criticism and denunciation, parents help them avoid sowing seeds of discord (PH151 84.1). Additionally, parents should be mindful of how they speak about their children's own faults in the presence of others, as humiliating a child can lead to a heart filled with hatred and a sense of injustice (20MR 276.1).

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The process of fixing a wrong involves more than just an apology to a parent; it requires a thorough work of repentance that addresses the person who was actually injured. If a child has wronged someone by their words, the biblical instruction is to go directly to that individual to seek reconciliation (5T 646.1). This personal acknowledgment is necessary because worship and service to God are not fully acceptable while a known wrong against a fellow human being remains uncorrected (T33 174.1). Even if the person did not hear the specific words spoken, the spirit of bitterness or malice behind the speech still constitutes a sin that requires a personal confession to the one affected (5T 646.1).

True repentance involves making restitution and bringing forth fruit that demonstrates a genuine change of heart (T33 174.1). While the path of confession is often humiliating, it is described as the only way to receive the strength needed to overcome such habits in the future (PH078 21.3). When a child claims they "didn't mean it" or offers excuses for their behavior, parents should be cautious. Often, when moral perceptions are deadened, a wrongdoer may not realize the gravity of their actions and will add apologies or excuses to their confession rather than showing sincere remorse (SC 40.1).

It is important to encourage the child to make a "thorough work" of repentance, going to the bottom of the matter to ensure the heart is truly humbled before God and man. The goal of this correction is to help the child understand that they must use every means in their power to repair the evil they have done (PH078 21.3). By speaking alone with the person they spoke against, in a spirit of Christlike love and sympathy, they may not only fix the immediate problem but also potentially save a soul and hide a multitude of sins (CCh 256.4). Parents should support this process by forgiving the child freely once they see a sincere effort to follow God's instruction regarding confession (SpM 377.1).

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The distinction you are making regarding the circle of confession is a vital principle in resolving the effects of gossip. When a child speaks negatively about someone to a parent, the primary injury to the victim's reputation has occurred within that specific conversation. In such cases, the counsel emphasizes that we should not go out of our way to call an enemy to account or spread the knowledge of the evil report further by repeating it to the person who was criticized. If the person is unaware of the remarks, bringing the gossip to their attention can often cause unnecessary wounding and open the way for further abuse or discord. The focus of "fixing it" in this context is to stop the poison where it started. Parents are instructed never to permit gossip to be repeated in the family circle or to allow disparaging remarks about church members to take root in the home (2TT 83.1). Because these whispered hints and suggestions can poison unsuspecting minds and separate close friends, the "restitution" involves the child correcting the impression they left with the hearer—in this case, you (T31 237.4). The goal is to ensure that the "vendor of gossip" does not find a second in their evil work (2TT 83.1).

Furthermore, the instruction to go to a person "between thee and him alone" is specifically for when you believe someone is actually in the wrong and you wish to help them, rather than just talking about them to others (PH151 84.1). If the child's comments were merely idle talk or unkind criticism, the most effective remedy is often silence and a change of behavior. We are warned that every idle word is noted by heavenly messengers and will appear in the judgment, which highlights that the most important reconciliation is between the soul and God (HS 213.1). Instead of stirring up the person who was talked about, the child should be encouraged to speak words that tend toward edification in the future (1MCP 113.1).

By refusing to encourage evil-speaking and reminding the child that God's Word forbids such conversation, you help them understand that their accountability is first to God and then to the person whose mind they tried to influence with their words (VSS 125.2).

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Based on the conversation history, "fixing" the situation involves a combination of correcting the immediate influence of the words and addressing the child's heart. Here is the process outlined in the previous responses: 1. **Correct the Impression with the Hearer:** Since the child spoke negatively to you, the "restitution" involves the child correcting the negative impression they left with you (T31 237.4). The goal is to stop the "poison" where it started and ensure the gossip does not find a "second" in its evil work (2TT 83.1). 2. **Avoid Wounding the Subject:** If the person spoken about is unaware of the remarks, you should not repeat the gossip to them, as this can cause unnecessary wounding and discord. Instead, focus on stopping the report within the family circle (2TT 83.1). 3. **Seek Thorough Repentance:** Moving beyond an apology or the excuse that they "didn't mean it" (SC 40.1), the child should be encouraged to do a "thorough work" of repentance. This involves a genuine change of heart and bringing forth "fruit" that demonstrates they have overcome the habit (T33 174.1). 4. **Address the Behavior Firmly but Patiently:** You should pursue a decided and firm course to prevent the behavior from happening again, ensuring the sin appears as serious as it truly is (1TT 151.3). However, this must be balanced with patience so the child does not lose courage or become hopeless (VSS 142.1, T10 11.2). 5. **Listen to the Child's Feelings:** Before administering correction, listen patiently to the child’s troubles or perplexities to understand the feelings behind their words (20MR 276.1). 6. **Model and Enforce Family Standards:** Fix the environment by never permitting gossip or disparaging remarks about others to take root in the home (2TT 83.1). This list covers the primary steps mentioned in our discussion so far regarding how to handle and "fix" this specific situation. There may be additional counsel on developing a child's character or specific prayers to offer that we have not yet covered.

The desire to "fix" every situation through human effort can sometimes overlook the necessity of internal transformation and the role of divine grace. While it is natural to want to correct mistakes, true progress often requires a change in the individual heart rather than a mere rearranging of external circumstances or "instrumentalities" (1888 1313.2). When we focus solely on changing the outward machinery of our lives or our families without first seeking a conversion of character, we may find that our efforts do not actually remove the underlying difficulties (1888 1313.2). There is a danger in becoming so focused on the defects and mistakes of others—or even our own—that we overlook the good that has already been accomplished through God's providence (4T 196.1).

This critical spirit often manifests as a belief that things could have been handled better or with fairer results if only a different course had been taken (T27 79.2). However, those who are quick to find fault or suggest that things are not being done "right" may actually be hindering the work of God rather than helping it (CH 296.3). Relying on grace means acknowledging that even those in positions of trust are finite and liable to err, yet they are still used by God (PH066 24.3).

Instead of abrupt changes or harsh corrections that bring discouragement, there should be a harmonious union of efforts characterized by brotherly love and justice (7T 280.2). God does not sanction actions that discourage those who are earnestly trying to move the work forward, even if their methods are imperfect (GW 494.2). Ultimately, "fixing" a situation like gossip or a child's mistake requires "clean work" and a "thorough acknowledgment" of the past to prevent the same issues from recurring (PH016 20.1).

This thoroughness is not about human perfectionism, but about ensuring that the heart is right so that God's hand can be manifest in the results (1888 1313.2). When the heart is changed by grace, perfect order can eventually emerge from what currently seems like confusion (1888 1313.2).

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